Why bother listening?

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Permalink Reply by Pat Coyle on September 24, 2009 at 8:58am

It just occurred to me that this thread is asking people to TALK about listening.

I suppose if we're all good listeners, then there will be no further comments. :-)

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Permalink Reply by Kevin McCracken on September 24, 2009 at 4:35pm

I'm sorry.
What did you say?

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Permalink Reply by Robby Slaughter on September 24, 2009 at 7:05pm

"Listening" online is different than doing so in person. Out in the physical world, we can be active listeners---responding with gestures, body language, and statements of affirmation. However, online environments do not typically provide for a way for people to react with anything less formal than a complete comment.

Some social media environments do encourage emotional commenting, as with the "like" button on Facebook. Some new research is showing that by providing more ways to interact online, we can enrich the quality of the experience. Here's a paper on this topic from the ACM:

http://portal.acm.org/citation.cfm?id=1562164.1562199

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Permalink Reply by Pat Coyle on September 24, 2009 at 9:43pm

Thanks, Robby. Glad someone took the question seriously :-)

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Permalink Reply by Mike Seidle on September 24, 2009 at 9:32pm

If so, what did you hear?

My laptop's fan running.

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Permalink Reply by Kevin McCracken on September 25, 2009 at 9:12am

As a mental health counselor, I have earned my living listening to others. Now, as a small business operator, I definitely “talk” more than I used to. Finding the balance between the two is something I attend to often.

A recent experience relates to your topic—albeit in an offline sort of way. Two years ago, I purchased a booth in a chamber business expo—a business-to-business sales/networking event. Being a relative newby to these kinds of venues, I put on what I thought was my “sales” hat and valiantly tried to extrovert (against my introverted nature) all day. I talked and talked and talked. The outcome was substantially less than satisfying.

This year, I somewhat reluctantly decided to purchase another booth at the same event. My expectations were different. On the morning of the expo, I was apprehensive and I second-guessed my decision to participate. Partly to resolve my anxiety, I decided I would just try to meet people, have fun, and be open to the possibilities the day might present. I wasn’t entirely convinced it would be a good day, but I wanted to give it a try.

Consequently, I found myself falling back on my counselor communication skills. I simply greeted passersby with a warm smile, open posture, good eye contact, and a genuine greeting or compliment. I had more or less given up any pretense of being a sales person and really was just trying to enjoy myself and see what adventures the day might bring.
The outcome was vastly different than from two years ago.

People would often stop and ask questions, tell me their story, and/or try to sell me their wares. I certainly spoke about my business, but I absolutely listened more than spoke.

As a result, I made several good contacts and re-connected with a few old acquaintances. A couple of people in particular, expressed substantial interest in some future (and potentially very exciting) collaborative projects. It is too soon to measure the fiscal outcome, but I am hopeful.

In addition to being a fun experience, that day really has given me some things to ponder. So, I am listening to what the lessons of that day might tell me.

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Permalink Reply by Pat Coyle on September 26, 2009 at 8:55pm

Perfect example.

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Permalink Reply by David Kampert on September 25, 2009 at 10:00am

Good question. A couple of thoughts on this topic....

I've been sitting here trying to think through my recent social interactions and evaluate how well I listened. It's been a little difficult. Difficult because I'm sure during the exchanges I was not intentional about listening well to the person I was speaking with. Hence, I probably didn't do as good of a job as I should have. I meet very few people who engage others, who ask really insightful questions, who want to listen to what others have to say. Often people tend to dominate conversations. I'm not even sure they know they do it. Some are content to let that happen because that helps them hide who they really are. For me, I prefer to listen. I really enjoy hearing about what other people are experiencing, learning and thinking about. I find inspiration in this.

When trying to evaluate how well we listen I think it's important to ask those around us how well we're doing. Do they feel like they have been heard and understood? I need to do this.

I think empathy is a critical component to listening well. Daniel Goleman writes in the book, "Primal Leadership" that empathy is "the ability to sense the feelings, needs, and perspectives of others". Understanding some of the "why" something is being said is critical. At least with people that I am in significant relationship with. This is hard to do though. Especially when emotions come into play. When that happens, all empathy tends to go out the window!

I listen the best when I listen without an agenda, when I don't have to be right or wrong. When I listen this way, I most often learn something about the other person and I find that new ideas emerge in me that I had never thought of before. There's something in the exchange of ideas when we are trying to discover what another is thinking versus trying to refute what we don't agree with or trying to fix something we think is broken that something happens. The dots connect in a way that they never have before. This I think is the real value of community. Unfortunately, because of busyness, fear, lack of self-awareness, and apathy this doesn't happen as often as it should.

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Permalink Reply by Pat Coyle on September 26, 2009 at 9:00pm

I couldn't agree more. Listening (for me) is kinda like a muscle. Do you ever find yourself relaxing a muscle - and as you relax - you become conscious of it, and you realize you didn't know you were tensing in the first place? I often wake up in the middle of a 'conversation' and realize I haven't been listening...typically because I was thinking about what I wanted to say next. Kinda defeats the purpose of communication.

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