Celebrating Birthmothers this Mother's Day Weekend

MLJ Adoptions, Inc. is excited to have Lindsey Redfern contribute to our blog. She will tell her own story, but you can find more articles and adoption information at her blog.

As a sterile woman, Mother's Day was always a hard day to handle. My house was quiet. My arms were empty. I was full of hope, but my heart was broken. It seemed that I didn't fit in anywhere. My arms and heart longed to love a child ...but medically it was impossible. For years I mourned and cringed at the thought of Mother's Day. I dreaded it.

This changed in 2007 when we were chosen by a brave birthmother to be the parents of her little boy. He was born and placed in our arms just days before Mother's Day. While my heart soared as I finally got to feel special on Mother's Day, I knew my joy had a great cost. Miles away there was a 17-year-old who was heartbroken, full of hope, but hurting as her arms were now empty. Although I cannot fully understand the pain and the hope that is associated with placing a child for adoption, from my experiences as a childless woman, I can empathize. How could I really enjoy Mother's Day knowing that this young woman, whom i loved so much, was hurting?

This is when my husband and I heard about Birthmother's Day. Birthmother's Day is celebrated the Saturday before Mother's Day. It seems appropriate that their day comes first since it is only because of their selfless sacrifice that I even celebrate Mother's Day. Birthmother's Day was started in 1990 by a group of birthmothers in Seattle, Washington. It's a day for birthmothers to unite and be honored for the gift of life that they gave twice--once in birth, once in placement.

Just weeks before Mother's Day last year, my husband and I were chosen to be parents again. Being chosen twice seemed like a total improbability.

My heart was overcome with gratitude as I stood to claim my flower in church. I am only a mother because of these two courageous, selfless, eternally-minded young women. I respect them. I honor them. In fact, it is our privilege to honor them on both Birthmother's Day and Mother's Day.

First, we asked our sons' birthmothers if they would like us to celebrate with them and we asked them how they would like us to celebrate them. Both of our birthmoms were very humble saying they didn't need anything special, that a phone call or card or picture from the child would be great. They both made it clear that they didn't expect it. I think it is important to ask what the birthmother wants. Some birthmothers are offended at the term "birthmother," some only want to be referred to as a mother, some don't even know about Birthmother's Day. Ask the birthmothers in your life what their feelings are on these holidays.

Even though our sons' birthmoms don't expect to be celebrated, I expect to celebrate them every year ...on both days. Make no mistake about it, birthmothers are still mothers. Their hearts and souls still feel and love the child they chose to place and give a better life. What greater love could there be than to sacrifice one's own will for the benefit of their child? Adoption is about love.

Supporting birthmothers on Birthmother's Day and Mother's Day is easy. We treat them and honor them just as we would any mother. We make sure a card with a little surprise arrives (jewelry, flowers, chocolates, etc.) at their door on Saturday morning. We make sure we call them and tell them how much they are loved on Mother's Day. We have found that Mother's Day is a hard day for many birthmothers. As an adoptive mother, I am not offended when "my" birthmoms tell me they are having a hard time. I listen. I tell them how dearly they are loved. Sometimes we cry together. They know in our house that they are revered even if the rest of world ignores them.

This leads me to my concluding thought. If you love someone who has placed a child for adoption, please know it is disrespectful to express disapproval for the choice they made to place on Birthmother's Day and Mother's Day. (I personally think it is inappropriate any day of the year, holiday or not.) If you know someone who placed a child for adoption, please don't ignore her on Mother's Day. Please don't pretend like she was never pregnant and never had a child. Please don't forget to wish her a happy day, send her a card or make a phone call. And birthmothers, please know that it is okay to feel sad and it is even more okay to spoil yourself! Take yourself to brunch, buy a new outfit, go see a movie or give yourself flowers... and let people know what you need. It's okay to be needy at least one day out of the year!

The reality is that these women are mothers. They are birthmothers. They are special. They are to be honored. They want to be revered.

To my Nicole and Joniece, we owe you the world. My heart overflows with gratitude when you are in my home, when we chat on the phone, when I get an email from you. You are like my sisters, my daughters and my best friends all rolled up into one. I truly do not know where or what I would be on this Earth without you. I pray God's choicest blessings on you daily. You are always in my heart. I don't know what else to say besides, "Thank you!"

Whereas I used to dread Mother's Day, I now look forward to it. I also look forward to Birthmother's Day as honoring and remembering "my" birthmothers helps me to more fully appreciate my motherhood on Mother's Day. My journey to motherhood has not been easy and certainly streaked with many tears, but I feel like I truly reverence this weekend because of the journey and because of the sacrifice of our boys' birth parents.